I Miss Him

Sometimes, something happens that changes your life forever. Or happens to you. I am standing in the middle of one of those crazy snowglobes, shaken up and turned upside down to send my world swirling and tumbling around me, and I can only wait to see where everything lands, and where I may fall into place among all of it.

I wasn't going to write about any of this, but my heart is so broken and my head is so smashed that if I don't, I don't know what I will do with all of this fear, anger, and pain.

Gary was arrested on Friday. When I left for work Friday morning, I said good-bye to him in the driveway like every morning, hugging him, giving him a kiss, joking around, and I stupidly had no idea it would be the last time for god knows how long that I would be allowed to touch him, to be with him without glass between us, to just hold him and feel his arms around me. I waved to him as I backed out of the driveway, and that was the last time I saw him until Sunday afternoon.

I had to sit with my hand against the glass, our fingers not quite able to touch, not able to hug him or kiss him or wipe tears off his cheek. I haven't been able to see him since then. I can't get home in time from work for visiting hours, and I can't afford to leave work to get home in time. Then I am told he can have visitors, then that he cannot. I already despise police officers and detectives intensely for not being able to tell me simply if I can see him or not.

I can honestly say I have never hurt like this before in my life, and I am scared because I know it will only get worse, and I already can't stand it.

So, the Smirking Cat will be taking quite a detour, rather like my life has, as I try to first make any shred of sense of this, try to hold it in my hands, try to believe this is now my life. That coming home every day to an empty house is now normal. That Gary not being here is normal. That not being able to just step into the next room and sit on his lap or hug him or laugh and hold hands in the car and sleep wrapped around him....well, he isn't here. And there's a huge, agonizing, awful ache where he should be.